This is something that my friend Kim Curtis had posted on her blog that I wanted to pass on to you. You'll especially be interested if you're Mormon and wondering if I am, too.
Day of Faith: Personal Quests for a Purpose - 3. Rachel Esplin from Harvard Hillel on Vimeo.
Although I am not as solid as Rachel is right now, and I'm not pretending to be, I really feel like I connect with the way she expresses her thoughts about the Church. (FYI - We happen to be from the same home town, too.) Anyway, I appreciate the way she understands the Gospel, and especially how she expresses it. It would be a lot more motivating for me to attend church if I could feel more of that open-mindedness and honesty in the meetings that are there. It's such a challenge for me anymore. I want to go to Church to feel uplifted and inspired and closer to God, but most of the time I just feel bored and frustrated and I can't wait to leave. It's hard for me to listen to the repetitive 'sunday school answers' time and again or to be subjected to speeches that use guilt, fear and shame to motivate congregations. I feel like I hear a lot of that at church. It's disappointing because I have also been to some beautiful meetings where people really understand the Gospel and express it so personally and uniquely and with so much love that I feel like jumping up and hugging them! Those are the meetings I want to attend. Unfortunately, they seem so rare. That may be hard to hear, but let's be honest, look around Sunday School the next time you're there and tell me there aren't a good number of people with heavy eyes and blank stares on their faces. I'm just being honest.
My single's ward back home I felt uplifted at about 50% of the time, which is why I kept going there. But, I am too old now. The old bishop didn't care, but this new one wants to stick to the rule of capping the age at 32, so I don't know where I'll go when I get home.
I'm sorry, I'm not going to go just so that I can say I've gone to church each Sunday so that my friends and family will be happy. It bothers me that people would rather know that I'm going through the motions of going to church than to know how I'm really feeling inside. I get the impression that as long as I'm going to church nothing else matters. But it does. To me.
I have many questions right now, and I feel like I'm supposed to keep them to myself, especially at Church. "Just read your scriptures, pray, go to church and don't doubt." "Don't ask the difficult questions, at least not out loud, at least not at Church." "Just go through the motions and pretend you accept everything." I can't do it. It doesn't feel good to my spirit. I have to ask the questions or I'd be living a lie, and liers go to hell, remember? :)
Thank you to those who accept me without judging...you know who you are. Thank you for letting me ask the difficult questions. For trusting me and giving me the space to look inside myself for answers, to make my own choices and learn from them, to express my truth whether you believe the same way that I do or not. For having enough confidence in me to know that my searching is not about immature rebellion or turning my back on God, but it is about digging through the layers of conditioning, conforming, blind faith, false motives, determining truth from error, and finding my deepest, purest, most honest relationship with myself and with God.
And if you can't support me in my honest searching because maybe it's too painful for you to hear, I honor you for where you are. I still know you love me,and I love that you are so sure of your truth that you want me to see it your way, too. I respect that. And I have my own journey that is different than yours, but if truth is eternal, our journeys will surely bring us all to the same source. Please allow me to walk my own path.
Pray for me if you cannot listen to me.
Love me unconditionally if you cannot understand me.
Trust God if you cannot trust me.
6 comments:
I understand where you are coming from more than you know. It's certainly not easy attending a family ward as an older single person, just because we are supposed to. You are braver about expressing yourself publicly than I am.
Linda- We need more people like you around! Keep searching, keep questioning, keep praying.
*Hugs!
I love you, Linda!
I hear where you're coming from, but be careful, ever so careful. Satan knows your feelings of inadequicey & he is working so hard on you. You have lived your life to the letter, & yet you are not being givin what you most desire & satan is using that to his advantage. Everyone doubts & questions at times, but don't let your guard down, he will have you in his snare so quickly you won't even realize it till one day you wake up & realize how much more empty & alone you feel & you find yourself trying to bargin with God that if you can just get back to how things were then you will never doubt again & you will spend the rest of your days in service to Him. I have been extreme on both sides, & its WAY easier to fall into a pit than it is to climb out of the pit, but honestly, the worst day out of the pitt is far better than the best day in the pit.
So, now that I'm done with my little sermon, I hope you know I love you so very very much & you are in my every prayer & I just want you to be eternally happy.
It seems that you are basically saying to people: Tell me my new direction is right, but if you don't believe it keep your opinion to yourself. Well you know me Linda, and I am not that way. There is no gray area between right and wrong no matter how hard we try to justify.
It's wise to test God by keeping his commandments and following the prophet.
There are many dark and hateful days ahead for those who choose to test him by going another direction.
Please Linda, follow the prophet don't go astray, follow the prophet he knows the way.
I love you with all my heart, you are most wonderful.
I love you sis!
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