Feelings Buried Alive

I'm sitting on the couch at 10:00 at night feeling like I want to sock someone in the gut. It's interesting, this feeling of anger. It seems to centralize somewhere in my chest, but I can feel this stinging, paralysis sort of feeling permeating through my arms and down into my lower abdomen, even into my feet. It's so similar to anxiety or even excitement that it's hard to pin-point what exactly it is that defines it as anger. I don't know, but I figure if maybe I focus on the absurdity of the feeling, I'll distract myself from thinking about who I want to hurt and why. I think it's some sort of therapy...becoming aware of the sensation to make it go away. It's not really working.

I don't know if I really have a valid reason to be angry. I'm pretty sure the person who triggered this feeling is innocent...somewhat...certainly not deserving of the extent of what I feel. He triggered something though...something that probably has more to do with all the flakey men in my past than it does with him. He did flake on me, though, just for the record. Maybe it really was so critical that he work on his hot tub tonight when he was supposed to be meeting with me that he completely lost track of time and accidentally left me hanging. "A hot tub emergency." It could happen, eh?

This takes me back to one particular relationship, only about a year or so ago....a relationship of constant flaking, constant apologies and constant excuses. He was so sweet and sincere with his apologies that I felt like a raunchy witch if I didn't forgive him right away...again and again and again. There's no denying, I've got a lot of unresolved anger towards him. He who was ready to come out and visit me in Costa Rica one month and the next was in a serious relationship with someone new...serious and committed...two things he had never been with me. Damn him for getting married a month after I got home...and never telling me. Guess how I found out? Facebook. Damn Facebook. He tried adding me as a friend after that, apparantly forgetting that we had already been friends. Perhaps it had never crossed his mind that I would delete him.

Flakiness...it's one of my biggest pet peeves. That, and getting bad directions. Being lost is so annoying, but leaving an evening open for someone and getting a text at 9:00 at night that says, "I'm so sorry, Linda...I left my phone downstairs...was out fixing the hot tub. Can we try for Thursday night?" is reason to castrate someone....the guy from last year, if I must choose. Curse him!!!!